At 33, Eva describes herself as “retired” from love. The literature professor has no intention of leaving her job, but a year and a half after her last breakup, the Montpellier resident has given up on finding a partner. “It was far too much energy and time spent for nothing,” she says, recounting a string of disappointing first dates. “Once, I was so bored during a date that my nose started bleeding. The guy was so focused on himself he didn’t even notice.”
Eva is far from alone. According to INSEE, 22% of adults in France lived alone in 2023, up from 20% in 2017. But among these singles, a significant portion are not desperately seeking a soulmate. A 2020 survey by the National Institute for Demographic Studies (INED) found that 34% of single men and 46% of single women say they chose their situation.
Bad Experiences and the Search for Self
The reasons for opting out of the dating game are as varied as the individuals themselves. Many have lost the desire for coupledom after one or more toxic relationships. Marjorie, a 34-year-old teacher, recalls how her ex-partner watched her sink into postpartum depression “without lifting a finger.” “My relationship was not a refuge, a place where I felt heard and safe,” she says.
Valerie, a 60-year-old saleswoman, endured “two not-great adventures” lasting several years, including one with a “narcissistic pervert.” Cecile, 44, who has been single for two decades, says she felt like a “life coach for the men I dated.”
For others, being in a couple acted as a barrier to self-knowledge. “I tended to sacrifice myself a lot for the person I was with,” remembers Jean-Thomas, a 29-year-old actor. “I ended up being afraid of missing out on what I really wanted to do with my life.”
The Impact of Dating Apps
Dating apps often play a decisive role in the choice to remain single. Leslye Granaud, a journalist and host of the podcast “It’s Not You, It’s Me,” where she interviews “the disappointed in love,” shares her own experience: “In three weeks, I got ghosted by three guys. Why inflict that on myself? It’s psychological torture.”
Thomas, 39, who eventually deleted Tinder and Grindr, notes that online, “human interactions can be incredibly violent, impacting self-esteem… you need to be psychologically strong.”
Finding Fulfillment Alone
Far from withering away, these singles have found balance and even joy in their solo lives. They describe a journey of self-discovery. “Before, I felt like activities had to be shared with someone special. I realized I could be that person for myself,” says Jean-Thomas. Nathalie, a 33-year-old computer engineer, adds, “Now, I put on makeup and dress for myself. I understood I didn’t need a man’s gaze to have value, to be worthy.”
Many celebrate the return of free time previously invested in relationships. Harry, 30, lists his newfound freedoms: “When I get home from work, I do what I want: see my friends, play video games, exercise.” Marjorie, thanks to shared custody of her son, enjoys “a release of mental load.”
Navigating Doubts and Social Pressure
Even a fulfilling single life comes with doubts and drawbacks. “Leaving a relationship is expensive,” Marjorie points out. Nathalie admits, “I miss cuddles, but I’m more tactile with my girlfriends now.” The 33-year-old, who hopes to become a mother, is considering freezing her eggs. “Until recently, I thought it was selfish to have a baby alone. But I realized many mothers in couples essentially raise their children alone anyway.”
Social pressure remains a challenge, particularly for women. “My family has a hard time with my singleness. It’s as if I haven’t succeeded in life,” says Cecile. The stereotype of the “old maid” persists, though sociologist Christophe Giraud notes that while the couple remains “a form of model and ideal,” it is no longer “as strong a social norm” as in the past.
Raising the Bar
Having discovered they are happy alone, these singles have become more demanding about any potential partner. Nisserine, a 30-year-old entrepreneur, says she “prefers to be single” rather than “live a sad and mediocre life because society says you must be in a couple and procreate.” She refuses to “waste time with someone who isn’t ready to commit and has the romanticism of a toilet brush.”
Eva echoes this sentiment: “My current life is great: I have a wonderful circle, I love my job and my environment. I’m not ready to jeopardize all that for something that, so far, hasn’t been worth it.”
Open to Possibilities, But Not Searching
Statistically, singleness remains a transitional period for most. However, many who have stopped actively searching say they remain open to a quality encounter. “The idea isn’t to be single my whole life. I know I’ll meet someone at some point,” says Harry. “But I have plenty of time. I don’t need to rush.”
For some, like Laurent, 49, who has been single for seven years, the choice may be permanent. “I don’t want to impose my aging journey on someone, or endure someone else’s,” he explains.
Jean-Thomas offers advice for the newly single: challenge yourself gradually. “I started doing things alone little by little, like going to the movies or traveling.” He has grown accustomed to dining alone at restaurants, with no phone or book on the table. The only thing he looks at? His plate.
