Have you ever left a conversation feeling like you did all the work? Perhaps you asked every question while your friend simply talked. Or maybe you shared a great deal and got little in return. According to communication expert Hailey Magee, that familiar frustration often points to a common mismatch between two distinct styles of communicating: the “volunteers” and those who respond only to “invitations.”
Two Ways of Opening Up
“Volunteers share information about themselves without being asked,” Magee explains, noting that they readily strike up conversations. Because they operate this way, they may regard personal questions as “intrusive” or “nosy,” trusting instead that “others will share information about themselves when they feel ready.”
People at the opposite end of the spectrum speak only when invited. In other words, they feel comfortable sharing details or anecdotes only after someone has asked them a question. “They may feel that starting a conversation about themselves is ‘self-centered,’ so they assume that if others want to know more about their lives, they will ask,” Magee says.
In a viral video on her Instagram account, the expert stressed that each approach has both benefits and drawbacks. Volunteers move conversations forward by introducing new information and fostering connection, since they are, in her words, “open books.” They also avoid questions that might seem prying, trusting others to speak up when they feel at ease.
Invitees, meanwhile, “enrich conversations by being curious, asking questions that help others feel heard, and being good listeners,” Magee notes.
When the Two Styles Collide
Those strengths can breed trouble, particularly when the two types of communicators interact. According to Magee, volunteers may find invitees reserved, boring, or closed off, reading their reluctance to share as a choice to keep people at a distance. Conversely, those who confide only after being asked may suffer from what they perceive as a lack of curiosity, or even disinterest.
To head off misunderstanding, Magee offers recommendations. An “invitee” herself, she spent years believing her volunteer friends did not care about her before eventually explaining how she felt about their conversations. Both sides emerged from the discussion stunned: where she felt neglected, her friends had assumed she was uninterested in closeness because she never volunteered information about herself.
“We were each telling ourselves a story about what the other’s communication style meant, and our stories were wrong,” she says. It took that conversation for them to understand that they did care about one another, but simply showed it differently.
How to Talk It Through
Magee urges everyone to discuss these differences in communication style and has drafted a few ice-breaking phrases to help. For a volunteer addressing an invitee, she suggests: “Lately I’ve felt like our conversations are lopsided. It hurts to open up when you don’t do the same. Could we talk about what I can do to help you feel more comfortable?”
For the reverse situation, she proposes: “I feel hurt when you talk about yourself but don’t really ask about me. Can we talk about how to find a better balance?”
Whatever answer you receive, you can move forward with confidence, knowing you are acting on genuine confirmation rather than on your initial assumptions, which are sometimes needlessly tinged with negativity.
- Volunteers share spontaneously and expect others to do the same.
- Invitees open up only when asked and assume questions signal interest.
- Openly discussing the mismatch can prevent resentment on both sides.
